At least I've still got my lipsalve

As we were lying in bed on Saturday morning, thinking and talking about what might happen in Maidenhead, Leigh was doing his best to convince me I had every right to be there and I would be absolutely fine (and even if I wasn't, it didn't matter anyway). I had high hopes and although of course knew I (like anyone) would need the cards to run hot, I felt overall surely I'd have as much chance as anyone of making the money.

"What you've got to be aware of is, someone at some point is going to make a call with a nonsense hand and suck you out and it'll be how much you lose and how you deal with it that will be important", he said, wisely.
So we toddled off to Paddington, me at times with my stomach in a knot wanting to hurl and exhaling heavily, at other times, feeling pretty good and relaxed about the whole affair and actually pretty excited to be getting a shot at likely 2.5k first prize for my 40 quid satellite investment (plus 12 quid for the train fares and 6 quid in Starbucks).

When we got there, we walked into literally a cafe (wasn't even sure they did wine until I asked the lady at the 'bar'; thankfully she answered in the affirmative), we registered as members of the club so Leigh could play cash or a SNG in the 'man creche' upstairs. I reg'd for the tournament downstairs, just by announcing my name; everything had been taken care of. Marvelous.

Lack of Betfred sponsor badge, though, that I was hoping to, be given for qualifiying through their site. That would have settled some nerves, so, in the absence of that, I went back upstairs and tucked into a glass of vin blanc and went and sat away from the 'in' crowd, the core, the club, who all knew each other very well, it seemed. There were some other 'outsiders' sat on individual tables opposite their respective obedient husbands, boyfriends, partners, bag carriers. I resolved to just smile politely at as many people as possible and speak if I was spoken to.
We were half an hour late starting as a number of (I'm guessing important) people had been stuck in traffic on the motorway, but when we did get going, I was sat on table 6, seat 4.

I was asked just before we started by seat 1 if I was Leshia. I said yes, pulled a quizzical face and asked how she knew (she pointed to the seating plan. Ah, yes. Blonde....) She introduced herself as 'Polly' (Paula); turns out I had been on her table in the satellite on Thursday. She said 'So you won a seat then?' I said yes. She said I had played really well (loudly enough that the table heard - I could have kissed her). I said thank you graciously.

I plopped my free keyring and branded lipsalve ito my handbag (apparently everyone used to get a polo shirt or at least a chip protector in years gone by; recession poker tour, clearly...) and then we were off.

There were a couple of nice, clearly experienced, seemingly mutually known and respected ladies in seat 2 and 3, a very quiet, pretty oriental girl in 5, a lady who looked familiar to me in 6, but it might have just been her hair. That kind of perm you don't forget. There was a lady I think called Jackie in seat 7, another one of the club members, I think; I don't remember her having much humour. I found out 10-15 mins in that seat 8 was 'MrsLewy' from the other night, still don't know her real name. And seat 9 was empty at the start, but was to be filled in due course by a slender lady with blonde hair who I was convinced I had at some point played cricket against, but I never got the chance to ask.

I think I won the second pot of the day, calling a raise from the big blind from the oriental lady. I had K-10 and my 10 hit the flop so I bet and was called. Blank on the river so I bet again, with feeling this time. She folded. Not sure why I was shaking, I was confident I was ahead. Even when she had folded I couldn't grip some of the chips to stack them up. I asked Leigh, who had nodded his approval to me, for glass of wine number 3 (in a tall glass so it would fit into the drink holder in the table). So much for switching to coffee...

I was getting lots of respect when I was betting which was pleasing. I was generally hitting, but a couple of bluff leads on the flop were getting through too. I, unusually, didn't count my stack for a good hour. I will admit I thought I was doing better than my chip stack could attest to when I did count up, so I decided to slow down a bit, on both the betting and the drinking. I was, though, as confident as I have ever been at a poker table and really enjoying it, making acquaintances if not firm friends (this lot were FAR chattier than my table at EPT last year). I was keeping people amused above the rail while playing serious-looking poker below it, which seemed to be working for me all-round.
Then I had the chance to take someone out. I am still 50/50 on this decision. I had raised from half way round with pocket 7s. The short stack, who I think was in the big blind shoved for 2.5k more. I had 7k at the time. She had been all in I think twice before, winning once with a big Ace and having it folded back to her the other.

I counted out the 2.5k which would leave me 4.5k if I lost (only 1500 less than we started with); blinds were still tiny. I guessed she could have found a big(ger) pair, but equally she could have had AK, AQ, AJ, possibly even A-10 and all I'd need to do is dodge cards, rather than find them. I really wanted to call, part for the potential financial reward, but also partly (and arguably mostly) to set a tone that I had come to play.

So in they went.

She had 10s and they held up. Everyone seemed to understand my logic, anyway and there weren't too many eyebrows obviously raised.

Only 2 hands later, I called an average raise with pocket 9s from the big blind, I think. Flop came down A clubs, 9 hearts, Q clubs.

The whole time (white-wine-guzzling-notwithstanding) I had been playing very thoughtfully and much slower than usual (in fact I think much slower than anyone else at the table); I was really thinking through all my options every time, what had happened before in that hand, and with that player in general, was it a time to make a move? What will make this hand end when I want it to and with the result I'm looking for?

Anyway, I elected to min bet my set, rather than what I'd normally do which is check. With 2 over cards out there and a flush draw I wanted to get a feel for where I was and, if I was then sure I was ahead, get the most out of it I could.
My bet was immediately raised I think 2.5 times by the perm in seat 6. The other player in the hand, the sweet friendly club member in seat 2 re-raised her to half my remaining stack.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

Old, scared, negative, fast-acting Leeshy probably would have already folded. But, as I had come to play, and play positively, there was no way in the world I was going to fold. So the only other option was to get them in. I knew it straight away, but didn't do it for a bit, making out I was having an internal argument with myself and I wasn't sure my hand was good (possibly representing A-9 or AK).
The words 'I'm all in' got a tad stuck in my throat when I announced them (wasn't faking that, I was going to be so gutted if it was to end there, I was having so much fun). The raiser got out of the way (figure she was drawing to the flush), the re-raiser immediately picked up chips (gulp), asked how much (oh dear, but ok, if she needs a count...) and called (here we go then).

I flipped my 9s and leapt out of my seat. I was pretty sure she'd show A-Q and she duly did. I crossed fingers on both hands and held them in front of my mouth, saying quietly 'no queens, no aces... please.... no queens, no aces'.
The dealer thankfully obliged. 'Yay' I squeaked, quietly.

At the first break (free dinner buffet of chilli or chicken/cream stroganoff-y thing included! - the day just got better and better!), I had just under 12k, double what they were saying the average was, not that I pay too much attention to that. I think we had lost 12 or 13 of the 63 starters. I was beaming, was a little light headed from the wine, but relaxed and in control and loving it. The all-in aside, I hadn't been under too much pressure and don't think I had done anything silly and had generally played well and positively, and couldn't wait to get back.

The personnel at the table had changed slightly. The oriental girl next to me who never got going and had been busted out had been replaced by another club member, seat 7 had become an older blonde woman in a polo shirt who looked like a younger version of my nan, seat 9 was now filled by a young pretty northern exile, with long dark hair who had a big stack and clearly hadn't built it up by accident; I thought she was very good. Thankfully she seemed to like me, wanted to chat across the table about Yorkshire and cash games and we held I think a significant amount of mutual respect for each other. Then in seat 1, a lady again from the north (Leeds I guessed from her accent but didn't ask to confirm it), who had played in a number of these legs but wasn't seemingly in the club. She was very slender and drawn, dressed every conservatively, was a little shakey and confessed she never played online as she 'and computers don't get on'. She had also, early on in that level, played 2-7 from the big blind and flopped an full house, playing it very aggressively, (betting out the flop and re-re-raising, the turn I think) and got full value out of my nan's doppelganger, with an all in on the river, which had swelled her stack.

I started well, picking up a few hands, hitting some flops and a couple of bluffs. I got KK for the 2nd time of the evening (I had played it strong before, having had a call from the pretty girl in 9, pre flop, but she folded on the flop with a paired 10 board and another meaningful bet from me). This time I was faced with a raise for c3.5 x BB from the same pretty girl. Conveniently, the nice lady from TC's came round with sweets just at that moment, so, with a mouthful of humbug sticking my teeth together, I announced 'wleRe-Raiseh' and made it double her bet (eventually. I can't count, especially when people bet odd numbers like 1725 so I think I threw in 3350 or something - it looked like a lot of chips anyway, so figured it would be enough. ...Then I put in 100 too many trying to make the bet up, at the dealer's request. I apologised sincerely as I wasn't playing or acting, I just genuinely can't add up).

Anyway, brilliantly, the waitress also came by just at this time, so I took the opportunity to look disinterested in what seat 9 was going to do and confidently ordered myself another white wine. She (seat 9, not the waitress) tried to look at me but didn't hold it for too long and smiled. I just stared right back, serious as you like. She folded after a time. Very sensible, although I was actually quite relived, just in case an A had come on the flop, as I'd have been in no man's land then against her (and her stack), regardless if she'd had one or not.
We had lost about half the field by now and it must have been just after 8pm, around another hour til the next break (I wondered if we were going to get cheesecake at that one...)

Then I think the very next hand I was dealt 5s in the BB and decided to check. The blinds had just gone up, so when I made my min bet on the flop of I think 3, 7, 6 rainbow, I was 100 short. Thankfully the dealer and everyone else had good humour about it. Only my nan called. Check, check the turn and a queen on the river, which I checked, allowing her to bet 2k into what I counted up to be a 3k pot. I screwed up my face, not because I didn't like it, just cos it made no sense. It reeked of trying to nick it and again I instantly wanted to call. But I stopped myself and thought it through logically. Limped in, yes; Queen-9 or something, yes of course possibly. Might have hit the middle cards, of course, but she'd have raised the flop or bet the turn surely? And if she wanted me to call, she'd have bet 1200-1800 into that relatively small pot. I was talking to myself the whole time out loud and I didn't care. I wanted to get it right (and hopefully make sure everyone else thought I was an intelligent player). I did call and she shrugged like 'you got me', so I flipped over my 5s and she nodded, but also showed the busted straight draw.

So now I was up to 17k, possibly just the chip leader on our table and I figured had to at least be in the top 15 of the 34 or so left, taking a cursory glance around the room (I have since discovered from the Rock Poker live update partner site that I was in fact in the top 3 - and there were loads of 4-6k stacks around).
Then I was dealt A-8 spades, 2nd to act I think. I called and there was no more than 1 call behind until the blinds. Can't remember if the girl in seat 1 was big or small blind but she made up the difference or checked.

Flop came down 2, 7, 4 I think (the four might have been a 5) but there were 2 spades. Seat 1 bet out, I called and the remaining player got out of the way. Queen of spades on the turn; happy days are here again! Nut flush! Whoo-hoo. Seat 1 puts out a really rather chunky bet (a little shakily). Oookkaayyyyyyy..... Think, Hawkins, think, what might she have and how are we going to get lots of chips coming our way?

Her bet was I think 1400-1500. Has she a flush too? That would be awesome! Has she a set? This is also splendid news. Either way, it's going to cost her a lot of money to see a river card. Or we can just end it here. I don't really mind. So I raise. To around 3.5k. She looks like she is going to fold. She fiddles with her cards, she picks up some chips, she plays with them for a bit. She ponders some more and then calls. I am only very slightly concerned, more confused as to what she has and how she can possibly think she is anywhere near winning - and I am already thinking about what I can do on the river - especially as Leigh has just popped downstairs to see how I am getting on, so it will be nice to scoop a monster pot in front of him.

The river comes a 2. She announces all in straight away.

'You are F***ING KIDDING ME???!!" I explete and get out of my chair and put my hands on my head.

This is sick. My immediate thought is quad 2s. That would make sense with the betting, but the chances are just so slim. Then I figure it's 2-7. That would make a lot more sense as far as the bet out goes on the flop, but would you really call a huge raise on a flush board with 2-7? Then I count what's in the middle. Over 10k. Her all in is 10.2k. My remaining stack is 12-and-a-bit-k. This is hideous.
I look at Leigh for inspiration, I wander round in my half a metre square for a bit more, bemoaning my luck. I am coming to the realisation she has hit a house and sucked me out. I kneel up on my chair and look back down at the pot again. Instead of seeing the 20k of chips in there already, I start hallucinating that I am seeing £2.5k, the cash that the winner will receive.

If I call and win, I will certainly be top 3 (I thought - I would have actually been chip leader by over 10k) and set up for this tournament; heck I'll have a great chance of at least cashing big and possibly winning the bloody thing. If I fold, I am back to under an average stack; still in of course, but I also know if I end up just clinging on and going out in some nonsensical way in 14th, not cashing and subsequently stuck in some crappy hotel in the arse end of Maidenhead, cos we missed the last train home by 10mins, I'll never get over it and will always wonder 'what if'.

If I call and lose I'm as good as out. I am so torn.
I sit on my knee on the chair again and lean right over and look her dead in the eye. "You haven't had another '7-2 special' have you?" I ask her. She starts chatting away, way too much, going on about 'well I was in the blind.... blah, blah, blah...' This is far too cocky. She's barely spoken at all the whole tournament. Why is she speaking now? Anyway it's not 7-2. The possibility of a king high flush crosses my mind again briefly, but she must have a 2, the river card wasn't even on its back before her chips crossed the line. Ok, then could it be a set of 2s with an ace kicker?... I so want to call.

I decide to throw my last die. I have never announced to anyone ever what I have before showdown, but I decide to tell her;
'This is horrible, I have the Nut Flush', I say.
She sits up and looks at the board and actually looks concerned. If she was acting, give the girl a flipping Oscar. I will never be sure if she even saw the flush draw, the whole board was black until the 2 of diamonds came, it's possible she could have missed it.

This is enough for me. I convince myself she has a set of 2's and thinks that's good enough, so I call and throw my cards in, just for confirmation.
She turns her face down. The 2 is shown first.
And then a Queen.

I am distraught. First and foremost that my tournament is (effectively) over, second that it was a hand I never considered and lastly, the real knife in the back, I have just been done by my (now former) favourite hand.
I sense sympathy from around the table. The nice Yorkie says 'if you hadn't see her play 7-2 you would never have considered it, would you'. She seems genuinely sorry for me.

I shake my head, my shoulders have gone down, I look at Leigh and say out loud 'what could I have done with that?'. I put my head back on the top of the back of my chair and look up at the ceiling and the yellow '6' hanging above the table. I can feel a lump in my throat starting to develop. I am starting to cry so I pull my shades over my eyes and put my head down. I confirm to myslef that I have less than 1800 left.

And oh, to add insult to injury, I hear 'your big blind madam...'

I resist the temptation to shove petulantly with my 6-3 and with the J-4 I get in the small blind next hand. But the one after that, when it is folded round to me and I see K-7 with only a couple left to get through, I get them in.
I hear 'all in' behind me, for 5k.

I put my chip protector in my pocket and start to put my jumper on.
K-7 v 10s. No Kings come.

I hear genuine 'unlucky' and 'well played' around the table, and sense some melancholy for me.

I muster a 'thank you, well played, good luck everyone' but all I want to do is get out of there as quickly as I can.

I get outside and burst into tears properly. Leigh joins me and I bury my head into his chest and don't want to come out. I request a pint for the road in The Vine 'old man pub' just next door. We have plenty of time for the bloody train.

I am still of course going through that hand over and over in my head and I know I won't get over it for a while, but I do keep coming back to the assessment of 'No regrets'. I gave it a go and gambled properly, for the first time, arguably in my poker 'career'. Of course, I could have folded (knowing what I know now, in relation to the stage of the game and comparitive stack sizes etc, it's becoming a much more stone cold, if massively painful, fold) - but I'd probably still hate it more if I had folded and then done something ridiculous like bubbling. That spot in the tournament though was reserved for the girl with the Q2 full house that beat me.... Laughed??! I nearly fell off the sofa!!

So, it seems I am going to be a ladies poker 'circuit' player, and I am quite excited about it. I know I can compete, I played some of the best stuff of my life last night and it came down to one hand. Another day, I'm certain I can at least cash in this format, so I am going to chase the dream. Starting in Birmingham on September 4th.

And I think I would quite like to join the club, if they'll have me.